The Old Codger's Collected Tales
I have to start this off with a bit of a disclaimer. It is really hard keeping up with the meanderings of the old coot. Literally, not figuratively, every day, a new tall tale comes out. He really is like a long running television series. But we try…
Imagine an idyllic country setting, a meandering country lane lined with live oak trees and wildflowers, a groundhog sitting atop his burrow, birds chirping in the trees, and a hawk making lazy circles in the sky. Just around the bend in the lane sits a modest country cabin, reminiscent of a bygone era, windows a bit grimy, the screen door slightly askew, and clapboards in need of repair. In the door yard, up on blocks, sits a faded blue 1967 Corvette, long since having seen a better day. A crumbling farmer’s porch adorns the front of the cabin. To one side sits an old rocker. Next to the rocker lays a worn and tired German Sheperd, dozing in the sun.
In the rocker sits the aging Sage of Delaware…or possibly Scranton, holding court with his adoring public. He pauses, looks to the left and then the right while adjusting his Aviators. Each of his idolizing sycophants clutches a well worn copy of his collected tales, waiting for him to mumble yet another tale of his adventurous life, a modern day Gulliver.
Our sagacious elder pushes back his Aviators, begins to roll two steel balls in his hand, looking droopy eyed and he begins in a halting mumbled voice.
You know, my faithful believers, well I don’t regale you in any order, but c’mon man, I don’t exactly know where to begin…I could get in trouble…but c’mon man.
And so he begins, his fawners making marginal notes in his book of wisdom.
“I was talking about Hurricane Idalia the other day and I recalled when lightning struck my house. We had to the be out of that house for about seven months while it was repaired because so much damage was done to the house and half the house almost collapsed.”
(Actually, the lightning strike Biden often refers to, caused a “small” kitchen fire at his Delaware home in 2004 and was contained by firefighters within 20 minutes.)
“I literally, not figuratively,” talked former South Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond into “voting for the Civil Rights Act” before he died.”
(Actually, Biden was only 21 years old when the Civil Rights Act passed on June 19, 1964. Biden wasn’t elected to the U.S. Senate until he was 29. Moreover, Thurmond not only voted against the 1964 Civil Rights Act, but he filibustered it for 24 hours. He eventually supported the bills renewal in 1980, but Biden had no role in that.)
“I don’t want to compare difficulties, but we have a little sense, Jill and I, what it’s like to lose a home. Years ago — now 15 years ago — I was in Washington doing ‘Meet the Press.’ It was a sunny Sunday, and lightning struck at home on a little lake that’s outside of our home — not a lake, a big pond — and hit a wire and came up underneath our home into the heating ducts — the air conditioning ducts. To make a long story short, I almost lost my wife, my ’67 Corvette, and my cat. But all kidding aside, I watched the firefighters, the way they responded.”
(Actually…oh wait…heard that one before. Went over well…both times.)
“I watched that bridge collapse,” Biden said. “I got there and saw it collapse.”
(Actually, the Pittsburgh bridge collapse happened hours before he arrived to give a speech on infrastructure.)
“The Inflation Reduction Act is the strongest bill you can pass. It will lower inflation, cut the deficit, reduce health care costs, tackle the climate crisis, and promote energy security.”
(Actually, after twelve months of rising inflation, he then said, “I wish I hadn’t called it that because it has less to do with reducing inflation than it does to do with dealing with providing for alternatives that generate economic growth,”)
“Biden claims to have “created, with the help of many people in this room, 12 million new jobs — more jobs created in two years than any president has ever created in four years.”
(Actually, A majority of those jobs, however, credited to “Bidenomics,” are the result of jobs coming back once the economy reopened.
While speaking at an event on Aug. 8, 2023, Biden claimed the Grand Canyon is “one of the earth’s nine wonders — wonders of the world.”
(Actually, there are only seven, and the Grand Canyon is not one of them. Maybe those two are in those two extra states when Obama said there are 52 States.)
“I said I’d cure cancer they looked at me like, why cancer? Because we can. We ended cancer as we know it.”
(Actually, as we all know, well clearly not ALL of use, there is no cure for cancer.)
Biden claimed it was “our Administration’s 988 suicide and crisis hotline” that is responsible for helping “5 million Americans when they needed it most.”
(Actually, it was under a certain former President that 988 was designated the universal number for those experiencing a mental health crisis and suicide ideation.)
“While our work isn’t finished, Bidenomics is already delivering for the American people,” Our economy has added more than 13 million jobs — including nearly 800,000 manufacturing jobs — and we’ve unleashed a manufacturing and clean energy boom.”
(Actually, the trajectory for construction spending remains virtually unchanged when inflation is taken into account.)
“I applied to the Naval Academy and was picked by a senator.”
(Actually, there is no evidence this ever happened.)
“I was appointed to the Naval Academy in 1965.”
(Actually this is a twofer. The first time was at the Air Force Academy and the second was the Naval Academy. He missed commencement at the Military Academy. His musing was obviously false, as Biden graduated from the University of Delaware in 1965.)
“I Have four granddaughters.”
(Actually, he has five. He continued his pattern of ignoring the existence of his fifth granddaughter on Wednesday, snubbing the daughter that.)
“My son was a major in the U.S. Army. We lost him in Iraq.”
(Actually, Beau, died of cancer in 2015, four years after the war in Iraq ended in 2011.)
“I doubt many people … would’ve said that two years after being elected, I’d be able to convince India, Australia, Japan, and the United States to form an organization called the Quad.”
(Actually, the Quadrilateral Security Dialogue (“the Quad”) was formally started in 2007, with assistance from former Vice President Dick Cheney, and re-established in 2017 during the administration of a certain former President.)
“I have six grandchildren. And I’m crazy about them. I speak to them every single day, not a joke. As a matter of fact, I just got finished going through the calls. And only one of them answered the phone.”
(Actually, this is another twofer. Biden has seven grandchildren. We all know about Hunter.)
“My grandpop, who I never met, died in the same hospital I was born in two weeks before I was born. My grandpop was, as they say in Maryland, from ‘Baltimer.’”
(Actually, the President’s grandfather, Joseph H. Biden, died in Maryland in September 1941 — over a year before President Joseph R. Biden was born in Pennsylvania.)
“I’ve taken the most aggressive action ever — in all of history in any country — to take on the climate crisis by lowering your home energy bills.”
(Actually, according to the Labor Department, home energy prices are up more than 23 percent from the month Biden took office.)
It’s nap time for the ol’ guy. Time to head in and get a dish of Graeter’s Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, but, all the adoring fans, fear not, Gramps will be back for another story hour.
And…we are back for Part 2
When we were last with Gramps, he was regaling his gallery with his accomplishments. And so he continues…
“MAGA Republicans are calling for defunding of the police department.”
(Actually—a 2020 poll showed defunding the police was a majority opinion among Democrats.)
“As my buddy from Delaware can tell you, when you’re involved in the civil rights movement as a kid in high school…” and that he would “go down to the black church and plan what to do in terms of desegregation.”
(Actually—none of that is true.)
“Under the previous administration, America’s deficit went up four years in a row. Because of those record deficits, no President added more to the national debt in any four years than my predecessor.”
(Actually—federal spending under Biden increased more that $10 trillion since his first month in office. That’s more than any other President in his first two years in U.S. history.)
“If anyone tries to cut Social Security, I will stop them. And if anyone tries to cut Medicare, I will stop them.”
(Actually—the Democrats’ reconciliation bill passed last summer, however, took nearly $300 billion from Medicare to boost insurance companies and green energy interests.)
“More timber has been burned than I’ve observed from helicopters than the entire state of Missouri.”(Actually—in 2022, 7.5 million acres burned. Missouri’s forests span 14 million acres.)
“Jill and I reignited the Cancer Moonshot that President Obama asked me to lead.”
Actually—the misnamed Inflation Reduction Act cut cancer research spending by nine times as much as his Cancer Moonshot Program under Obama had supposed to put toward it.
“In the 10 years the ban was law, mass shootings went down. After Republicans let it expire, mass shootings tripled,”
Actually—it’s a lie based on a flawed study. Accurate data showed that during the assault weapon ban there were more so-called “mass shootings” occurred during the ban, and after the ban expired, mass shootings did not increase as Democrats said they would.
“Do I take any blame for inflation? No. It was already here when I got here, man. Remember what the economy was like when I got here?
Actually—the economy before Biden’s inauguration suffered from government required lockdowns, but economic suffering dramatically increased in March of 2021 with the passage of the $1.9 trillion spending bill. After that, the inflation rate grew at its fastest rate in 40 years and still hovers above pre-pandemic levels.
“Capitol Police Officer Billy Evans was manning a check point when he was killed by these sick January 6 insurrectionists.”
Actually—Evans was killed three months after the January 6 riot by a Nation of Islam supporter who killed Evans by running him down with a car. Biden has told that lie numerous times.
“I am determined to ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines like those used at Sandy Hook and countless other mass shootings in America. Enough is enough. Our obligation is clear. We must eliminate these weapons that have no purpose other than to kill people in large numbers.”
Americans have and use guns for a variety of reasons, such as hunting, target shooting, collecting, deterrence, and protection. In some cases the rifle that Biden calls an “assault weapon” is more effective when wild boar hunting than any other gun. Also, people who use guns for “self defense” are taught not to “shoot to kill”, but tio stop, slow, or disarm an assailant.
“They are trying to succeed where they failed in 2020, to suppress the right of voters and subvert the electoral system itself. That means denying your right to vote and deciding whether your vote even counts. Instead of waiting until the election is over, or starting well before restarting now. They’ve emboldened violence and intimidation of voters and election officials. It is estimated that the more than 300 election denier on the ballot all across America this year.”
Actually—it’s Democrats and Democrat operatives such as Marc Elias who oppose Republican-led election integrity laws across the nation and conservative attempts to make voting safer and more secure.
Time for another break as the codger teeters off in some unknown direction…no, Joe, go the other way…watch your step. Okay, safely off.
And…we are back for Part 3.
Be patient. Remember, this is like a long running television series.
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